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Saturday, 27 March 2010

Not a good day

Well it was a good day yesterday because FIL has gone...but his presence is still here.  

Thursday evening was OK.  As usual I offered dinner but it was refused.  FIL wandered around the house discussing ideas with Mr A for renovating and repairing.  I was even included in the conversation at one point and didn't feel as uncomfortable as I had over the past week.

Yesterday morning when I got up and let the dogs out, FIL was just going through the gate with his bag. "Oh are you going?" I asked.  "Yes...goodbye" was the answer.  I went and called Mr A, who called out to FIL that he would see him down in the village.  Apparently there were one or two things for FIL to do on the land before setting off.

Mr A set off  for the village and was gone for a couple of hours.  Before he left everything was fine between us.  When he returned it was as though someone else had taken his place.  He came in with a bag containing a bottle of raki and cigarettes which his father had bought for him.   He opened the raki and proceeded to drink it.  Now Mr A and alcohol don't go well together.  There have only been one or two occasions in the past when Mr A has had several glasses of raki and he loses control.  He gets angry and shouts a lot...and breaks things.   He's never violent towards me but he has been known to punch the wall or a door.  

FIL knows this...it was mentioned years ago.  As a result Mr A hardly ever drinks raki.  Maybe one glass on a rare occasion, or a couple of beers...but that's it.  As he is drinking he is telling me that his father is very upset...that this is FIL's house and he doesn't feel comfortable in it when he visits....FIL says this is all my fault...that I have made him uncomfortable...that I have no idea how to treat people.  Oh he has really got inside Mr A's head and the raki was his parting shot...just to finish it off nicely.

There was nothing I could say...how could I reason with this man who was rapidly getting through a whole bottle of raki.  At one point he was crying...literally sobbing... because he thinks he has let his father down, the next minute he is angry and shouting.  He picked up a 5 litre bottle of water and slammed it down on the kitchen table with such a force that the bottle burst and the table split.   By this time the raki was finished and Mr A lay down on the sofa and went to sleep.  So I left him to it.

I couldn't have written about this yesterday, because I was just too upset.  I was also angry.  I wanted to phone FIL and tell him about the damage he has caused to Mr A and me.  Something stopped me from doing this....it's just what he wants isn't it?   I'm sure he'd love nothing better than for me to confirm that his plan had worked.

Later Mr A got up and walked down to the village and didn't return until late evening.  He was extremely subdued when he came in.  I just took myself off to bed and left him watching television. I got up later to get a coffee and he had fallen asleep on the sofa, so I switched the TV off and left him there.

I never thought I could feel such hatred for someone as I do my FIL:  He has throughly messed with Mr A's head.  He has spent every day of the past week with him...chipping away at him...bit by bit.  One minute treating him like a father should...the next minute making him feel useless....and at the same time trying to convince him that being married to me is a big mistake.

Today's another day.  I'm left to pick up the pieces.  I'm not quite sure how I'll manage it, but I'll try.

19 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. Except for the liquor, you knew this was probably going to happen.

    Did the house get signed over? Or is it still just "over your heads"?

    You mentioned some food business a few posts ago. Is there anyway you could do something to help up your income?

    Is there any kind of Turkish dry goods you could sell through your blog?

    I'm just grabbing at straws here... I wish you didn't have to depend on livng under FIL's thumb.

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  2. @eloh: Yes I knew this would happen. The buying of the raki was deliberate, and a nasty gesture hidden behind a nice one. FIL doesn't even drink and has often condemned alcohol. He just wound him up like a spring..gave him the raki..and let him go.

    Nothing has been mentioned about the house being signed over.

    Believe me when I tell you that we have tried very hard to find some way of generating money. Hopefully we just have another month or two to go before the business takes off..and then things should get easier.

    Thankyou for your concern...it's very much appreciated xx

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  3. Oh I am so sorry to read this post. I did keep wondering yesterday how things had gone, but I never would have imagined that FIL could stoop so low. Some people are happy drunks and others just find that alcohol makes them full of rage. I guess FIL was counting on the latter happening.

    I suppose Mr A feel a bit rough today and I am sure he will be very sorry when he remembers (if he can) how he was with you on Friday. Let's just hope he agrees never to drink strong alcohol again.Hopefully the business will take off and keep him so busy that he won't have much time to spend with FIL in the future.

    As for your relationship with FIL - I would say the gloves are off now. I couldn't carry on being civil to someone who bought their son something that would inevitably bring the worst out in him.

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  4. one other thing I just thought of - perhaps as and when the business takes off you could both stick the proverbial finger up at FIL and move to another house. I know this would mean that any budding relationship between father and son would be curbed but in the long run it would be better for you.

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  5. FF: I despise the man. I actually hope he doesn't ring the the landline at any time when I will probably answer, because I'm not sure I can be responsible for what will come out of my mouth.

    Mr A had already talked about moving anyway..to be nearer to the business..if it takes off of course...but that was before FIL visited, so I really don't know how he will feel about it now. Sadly..I think Mr A really believes that he now has a good relationship with his father. He has waited for this for so long that he is blind to what his father is really doing.

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  6. I suppose the other shoe will drop and you will hear the "other" thing that FIL said to Mr. A. Expect it to be a cloud until Mr. A finally tells you what FIL's parting shot was. It might be very scary and it may make you very angry but try your best not to take it seriously.

    No matter what that secret whispering was just try not to be forced into playing another role suitable to THEIR dramas.

    Something to say to the both of them.."It's YOUR drama. YOU act in it." From Absolutely Fabulous. But so true in this case.

    It always surprises me how easily manipulated some Turks can be when it comes to family but that's how it is. You should brace yourself for some insult or threat regarding your presence in the house by FIL. It would make sense he would want to be out of the house to say something particularly nasty. (It wouldn't do to get kicked out of the house if Mr.A's reaction was not what he expected.)

    That alcohol, (especially raki- which is known to affect some people very negatively) well, it was a particularly nasty touch.. something I would have expected from my own sister and she has a mean streak as wide as the Bosphorus. Ah, families!

    Be strong enough not to be affected. Transmission is stepped up to 100% for the next two days, ok?

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  7. Oh you are so right Nomad. The Turks are easily manipulated when it comes to family. I suppose I've been pretty lucky so far because we never had much to do with them...there was always too much distance between us. And you know of course how the head of the family holds all the cards. He demands respect whether he deserves it or not. It's one of the things about this culture that gets to me. The control and the fact that they fail to recognise that respect has to be earned.

    I'm in no doubt things will get worse before they get better...and I'm certainly taking your advice and am grateful that transmission has been stepped up to 100%...I have a feeling I'm going to need it!

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  8. What a horrible situation to be in.
    I don't suppose it will ever change.
    I do hope your new business venture works out really well and you can move out of FIL's house.

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  9. I'm so glad you feel you can blog about this - you need some support until Mr A recovers himself.

    Thinking of you.

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  10. Oh, Linda, how awful for you. I've been there too. My fil, in his last days, got inside Yash's head and practically turned him against me. These are phases. They come and go. Firstly, it is NOT your fault. Don't take the blame. He's abusing you right now, but he'll come to his senses eventually. Secondly, Mr. A is not really into booze, the raki was a one off (I had some of it in Greece once, it is pretty strong stuff). Thirdly, Mr. A is actually quite balanced but his guilt about not doing right by his father is coming out. Elders in these eastern countries play up on that a lot.

    "This too shall pass." Linda. Yash and I have had bad times like that, but we're fine right now. You and Mr. A will be too.

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  11. Monalisa: Thanks..I hope so too xx

    Frankofile: I wasn't sure whether to blog about it but I feel quite isolated at the moment with no-one to talk to, so it really helps to get support from everyone here.

    Maria: I don't know how you have coped. It must have been far worse for you in these situations because you were all living under the same roof. Your words are very reassuring...thankyou xxx

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  12. I am so sorry. FIL sounds a very sick man. Hope you & Mr A get the peace you once had together back.
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

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  13. Well, trying to give a slightly different perspective rather than just my outrage.

    I'm not sure that the alcohol and parting shots down in the village were done for any other reason than to leave a proverbial floater in the pan for you to deal with.

    The fact is FIL is clearly of the opinion that he is no match for you when it comes to Mr A. But it is also clear that what he had to say to Mr A was something he knew you'd make mincemeat of him if he said it near you.

    For someone who doesn't drink to partake means that they have to be quite conflicted. So I wonder if it was an ultimatum dressed up as something else.

    People who manipulate others (especially in relationship terms) do it to prove to themselves that they have influence, that they can compete. You must make FIL feel very insecure indeed.

    I have no doubt that you will handle this, but I also have no doubt this means the end of you allowing yours and Mr A's dependancy on the mean old bastard from extending.

    My nastiest suspicion is just that - nasty, and a suspicion. But perhaps FIL said he won't sign over the house while you are in it.

    I concede I'm totally ignorant, a cynic, suspicious and possibly sociopathic. But whatever takes place from now on, you and Mr A need to start putting water between you both and FIL as fast and as effectively as you can.

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  14. I'm simply appalled and rather speechless;
    I've had an uncomfortable feeling about your situation all of yesterday, which is why I wrote, "Well?" on the other post. This is far worse than I considered.

    I agree with TAF, he might have made the handing over of the house dependant upon you no longer residing there. Or even more sinister: you being out of the situation entirely for the Father and Son to continue. Which would be another reason that Mr A would be drinking... (TAF said it far more elegantly than I)
    I can't bear considering further, it's too upsetting. However, I wouldn't put it past that bir piç oğlu.

    I'm so sorry. I'll try to come up with more when this shock wears off.

    Warm hugs and quiches from Kitty xo

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  15. Maggie: Thankyou xxx

    TAF and Kitty:

    I'm listening to what you are both saying, and you are just confirming my suspicions. I'm really at a loss at this point in time in how to deal with this. Mr A has gone rushing out today so we haven't any time to talk. Even if we did I really don't know what to say. I feel certain about FIL's intentions...he wants me out of the picture. He's messed up his own marriage and I guess he's bitter. Maybe he'd like to think that I would move out so that he can move in with his son? Who knows?

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  16. The only advice I can give is meagre.

    What I would counsel is to act as a contrast to FIL. Be forgiving, tolerant and above all be on Mr A's side even though you feel like you might not be.

    By acting as a contrast, no matter how your name has been blackened, you are granting someone under pressure something valuable: space to think and an ear to explain themselves to.

    But then it sounds like you already doing that.

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  17. TAF: You are absolutely right, and I am trying to do this..although I haven't had much time with Mr A to put it into practise yet. It's bloody hard though because I just want to shout and scream and burst into tears. And of course that just won't work. With all this pressure on Mr A by his FIL and the fact that Mr A's head is also full of trying to get his business off the ground, I'm really worried he might be heading for some kind of breakdown...so all I can do is try to stay as calm as possible.

    Thank you so much for your advice and kind words..it's appreciated more than you can imagine.

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  18. I am so sorry to hear what has happened, Im at a loss for words to be honest and FIL has been downright mean, sending you as usual mega virtual hugs and hope that everything will turn out right in the end xx

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  19. Thankyou very much Bomb. Hugs for you too for Wednesday xxx

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