Monday, 22 March 2010

An objective view

I'm  sure you must all be pretty bored by now with all this stuff going on with my FIL.  Please don't feel obliged to read anymore or comment...I won't be offended, but please know that your words of encouragement and support so far have been a huge boost to my self-esteem.   I've been getting more and more angry as the day has worn on, and it helps to write it down. 

The only way I can calm down is to take a huge step back from this situation and look at it objectively.

I'm sitting in the bedroom with my laptop, because Mr A and FIL are in the sitting-room with the air-con heater going full blast, and even passing through to the kitchen to get a coffee, immediately brought me out in a sweat.   The television is on and they are chuckling away together at some inane comedy sit-com.  Turkish humour is of the  obvious/in your face/Benny Hill/slapstick type.  Not my cup of tea at all.  They don't do subtle.  Although I do remember watching a couple of episodes of The Office with Mr A once, and having explained the humour to him, he did actually find it very there's hope for him yet!

You may recall me talking about Mr A's childhood.  His father never showed him any love..well he gave him nothing really.  Suddenly after all these years, his father decides to give him a house.  I think Mr A is so desperate to win his father's respect and affection, that this gesture must have seemed like a huge breakthrough to him.   I think he is terrified of losing the relationship that he BELIEVES he now has with his father, that he thinks he has to accept everything that his father says or does, even if that means he has to be seen to be treating me in a typically Turkish male manner.

He's been working with his father on the land since he arrived on Saturday, they've been to the teahouse together, and now they are sitting watching TV, the way fathers and sons should.  It actually makes me really sad.  It's what Mr A has always wished for, even though he's too proud to admit it.  But is it just too little too late?  And he doesn't realise, as I do, that this isn't  his father caring for him the way he should care for his's all about control. 

I'm the fly in the ointment least I'm sure that's how FIL sees me.  Because I won't just lay down and roll over.  I won't suddenly after 12 years become a subservient Turkish wife.  And he knows I won't.  He's trying to control his son but he can't control me, and he's not happy about it.  It means he has to up his game-plan and work a bit harder at it.  I'm sure he'd like nothing better than to have me out of the picture I'm certain he will do his utmost to turn Mr A against me.

I know things will change when he leaves, and he's no longer able to influence or manipulate his son.  One thing he fails to realise is that I know his son better than he does.

In the meantime, I'm stepping back and watching from a distance.  Let Mr A enjoy this time with his father, with no interference from me.  He needs to make the most of it because it won't last.  I'm not going to be the one to burst Mr A's doubt his father will do that at some time in the future.  I'll just be here to pick up the pieces.


  1. Poor Mr. Ayak..he is much too nice a person to see what FIL is up to and just takes it as it seems - recognition of a relationship after all these years.

    How sensible of you just to keep out of the way, and thank goodness you have your laptop.

    I think truestarr is right about FIL trying to drive a wedge, so the less he has to use the better.

    I do so feel for you.

  2. Yes I think she's right Fly, and I only read her comment after I had done this post, so we must have been thinking along the same lines at the same time.

    Oh what would I do without my laptop? Well if I have all this time to spare while I'm taking a back seat, perhaps I'd better get on with the next chapter of our Blind Leading the Blind book!

  3. Standing back is a very sensible thing to do.
    I would blow a gasket!
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

  4. Isn't it funny how just getting your feelings down on paper - or whatever- can lessen the tension? I can take a very desperate scene in my life and when I start writing about it, it turns into a comedy. I don't know how it happens. If not a comedy, then much less painful. There is a kind of distance that comes when you put your ideas in print. I don't know where I would be without my ability to write and to read.

    As far as your situation, FIL seems to owe a lot to his son, and even though it comes way too late, it might be some kind of closure that your husband needs. (I am sure you wouldn't want to ruin that pretty dream :))
    So stepping back and let this slightly phony scene play out is a wise idea on your part. Only, if Mr. A starts taking it further and talking about how much his father has changed, blah blah, it would be the BEST kind of support to say that time will show and wish that gilded words made everything right.
    Good luck.

  5. Yes, Ayak, get that book going...feel free to use me as the example of how not to do it...whatever it is!

  6. Maggie: I feel a gasket is about to blow but I'm doing my utmost to suppress it..just seething quietly with a smile on my face

    Nomad: You're absolutely right in everything you say. The writing down has made me feel so much better and enabled me to see the picture very clearly. And yes it is all a phony scene. I think Mr Ayak is going to get hurt, very badly, and I'm not looking forward to seeing it happen.

    Fly: Haha! You were my guinea-pig. You can't imagine how proud I felt when I first managed to explain how to do something...and you understood what I was saying..and it worked!

  7. Let it all out on here, Ayak. The last thing you want is a confrontation in front of FIL. He will have won then and the two men will exchange glances, you know the sort I mean.

    Even if it means you going off on the bus each day while he is still around - just avoid any possible disagreements. Let Mr A think his dad is now there for him - let him have his illusions for a while.

    And as for Benny Hill type humour - oh how popular that very same name is with the French/

  8. FF: It really is so sad to watch Mr A trying hard to please his father. I could cheerfully slap FIL round is smug face.
    And I do feel a whole lot better being able to blog about how I feel.

  9. (I feel such a hypocrite actually - I'm quite legendary for just saying what is in my mind. I have very little control whatsoever and usually blurt out things that really should best be retained. I hope you do better than I ever could in these circumstances)

  10. Well, Ayak as you explained, and as you know, and I know and anyone else knows who isn't blinded by some Disney Happy Ever After dream that FIL is graciously gifting the house to Mr A so he can hide assets from his soon-to-be ex-wife. Big d'uh there. I'm sure he is doing it elsewhere as well, you just aren't privy to that.

    What a horrid, little man. In every sense of that word.

    Writing about a situation DOES help, tremendously; if I couldn't, I would have gone mad(der) years ago.

    But then, reading about your struggles and problems and frustrations actually helps me. Even though I am completely powerless to support, assist or have any kind of real live influence over your particular situation, I can seem to be of benefit by responding, offering suggestions, backing you up, validating you or, if nothing else, possibly making you laugh. I feel like I am being some kind of positive influence. And that thought is both comforting and empowering. I'm helping.

    What goes around, comes around. Positive and negative, regardless of how subtle, it will. I completely believe that.

    So, I guess, I'd just like to say: keep writing! I can assure you that we will all continue to read and respond!

    Warm hugs and biscuits and cups of proper tea... and quiches, naturally, from Kitty xo

  11. Thought I was doing well with postings on blog, seems to have disappeared, no strike that, just woke up, seems my computer is playing up ha!.

    Anyway dearest, you are not alone, and you can get through this, don't forget you have friends who love and care for you, and will never ever let you down, you will get through this, he reminds me so much of my mother, so nice when anyone is around, so nasty when alone.

    Kitty, read your article on the Palm trees, thanks, everywhere I go, seems as if they are all being cut down, my 30 foot ones look worse every day, and the path is strewn by palm leaves.

    Wonder if this will go through.

    Oops, just realised this is day 4, och hen, you know what I am like in the morning ha!, wakey wakey Ann.

  12. Ann: No reason to cut them down, is there? Might as well hang in there and hope that Spring will work it's magic. If they are truly dead, you'll know come mid-summer, if not and you lop it down now, then you've killed a tree struggling to recover.
    I'll keep my Desert Rat fingers (paws) crossed for you and send those palms healing vibes. :)

    (Plus, yes, it worked, Ann!)

  13. FF: Well I'm doing OK so far! know that your lovely comments are so appreciated, not just because they show you really care and you give good advice, but you also make me laugh. There's nothing quite like a good chuckle to make you feel a whole lot better about things...Thankyou so much xxx

    Ann: What can I say? You already know how much I value your friendship. True friendship is not easy to find, but when you do, it lasts a lifetime. Love you lots xxx

  14. "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family"
    My MIL used to say that to me, It's especially difficult when it's in-laws.
    You are married to Mr A, but you have to take on FIL as well.
    Hope he goes soon, then you can relax.

  15. I think "geçmiş olsun" is an appropriate thing to say here, isn't it? You are a much stronger woman than me, because by now I would have said something to seriously offend FIL. I just don't have the patience for it and I certainly can't game play with the likes of Turkish in laws. Write it down, it is theraputic and always helps. As you say, you know Mr. A better than his father and sooner or later Mr. A will see his true colours, you can count on that...

  16. Monalisa...yes that saying has crossed my mind more than once this week! I will be glad to get back to normal!

    Hi renai. Teşekkür edirim. I'm truly not a very patient or tolerant person, which is why I'm keeping out of FIL's way. Avoiding him means avoiding saying something I may regret. As of this morning Mr A is definitely beginning to see things as they are.


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