Sunday, 21 March 2010

This post is just for me.... let off steam.  So don't feel obliged to read any further than the next paragraph, which is answering @eloh's questions from my last post. asked about womens' rights in Turkey, in relation to divorce.  I can't explain this accurately, because I get different stories from different people...and the laws are constantly changing. But as I understand it, after divorce the wife isn't entitled to half of everything, as she would be in other countries.  In fact I'm pretty sure that she will only keep what is hers...and I think she has one house in her name. I believe she would have to apply to the courts for anything else.  In the case of the death of the man, it would seem that the assets are divided up amongst the family, and the wife gets a percentage..and from what I gather, this percentage is fairly small.  FIL isn't being generous in signing over the house to Mr Ayak.  He is just making sure that his wife doesn't get more than he feels she is entitled to.   Now please bear in mind that what I've just said could be inaccurate...I've just pieced together bits of information and tried to make sense of it.

If FIL does sign over the house to Mr A, it is Mr A's intention to either sign it over to me, or to sell it and buy another property in my name.

Incidentally, Mr A heard from his cousin, that FIL had a considerable sum of money in a joint bank account with MIL, which was the proceeds from selling his car, and to be used towards buying a new one.  It would seem that MIL has cleared the account....yay!  Good for her!  This may or may not be true, as families love to gossip...but I hope it is!

I was up early with the dogs this morning, and Mr A got up shortly after.  I could hear FIL up and about and Mr A asked me to get some breakfast for them as they were going off to work on the land at the bottom of the village.  Does FİL like menemen, I asked Mr A?  Yes he does, was the reply.  So I cooked it and set the table.  I called them in from the garden and Mr A came in and sat down.  Does FIL know breakfast is ready, I asked?  Yes, he said, but he doesn't want any.  And Mr A had no idea why and suggested I go and call him.   I went out and told him breakfast was ready and I had cooked menemen for them.  He replied that he doesn't do breakfast.  So...more food wasted.

Earlier I did have a quiet word with Mr A about using the air-con.  The sitting room last night was stiflingly was unnecessary to have it switched on when we can't afford the bills. Mr A said that FIL hadn't asked for it to be switched on, but that Mr A thought he was cold so he was being kind.  OK fair enough.  I can't imagine that FIL heard the conversation because we were in the bedroom, unless he was listening at the door...which I frankly wouldn't put past him.  So maybe this is the reason for him refusing anything I offer.  In fact Mr A offered him tea that I'd made, and he said he wouldn't drink it because I might charge him for it!

Mr A is minute he is angry because he can clearly see how his father treated me last September when Mr A wasn't here...but the next minute he is defending his father and telling me I'm in the wrong.

Of course, I can clearly see what's happening here.  FIL is trying to drive a wedge between Mr A and I. They've set off to work...and I've been sitting here in tears.  Not because I'm upset...but tears of frustration and anger.   Apart from that, I have raging toothache and my back aches. I said...this post is mainly for me.  Writing it down just gets it all out and makes me feel a bit better.

It's a lovely day...I've decided to hop on the bus into Milas this morning...just to get away from it all for a few hours.


  1. *In fact Mr A offered him tea that I'd made, and he said he wouldn't drink it because I might charge him for it!*

    Oh bum, what a game-playing manipulative old fool he is turning out to be. Making a man/woman war and venting his frustrations about what is happening in his life on to you both. Trying to get Mr A onside and making him see it is a man versus woman battle.

    I think getting out for some time apart from them both is a very good idea. Perhaps just go into your shell and act the part of the dutiful wife - being quiet and understanding, until FIL leaves.

    I don't know how you should play it, if I'm honest. But I do wish you the best of luck in doing so

  2. p.s. You are probably so tense and clenched up that all the weakness in your body is going to come out again. Just don't do any funny movements and keep breathing slowly and deeply. You'll be back in the UK with your lovely daughter and sweet little Billy in less than a month now - just hang on to that thought

  3. I feel tense just from reading about what is happening there. No wonder MIL is leaving him.

    There is almost nothing I hate worse than sulky behavior. It's just too childish to even be able to talk through issues.

    Good luck today.

  4. Only just catching up. So he's showed then. Well, what can I say. Keeping out of his way as much as possible does sound a good idea. And if he doesn't want your tea, hey let die of thirst. It does all seem rather childish. Good luck!

  5. Just had an awful thought, he doesn't think he's going to move in with you now that his wife has done a bunk does he???

    Going off to town is just the right thing. There's always something to distract you. Take care of yourself.

  6. Yes it's a good idea to get away for a while.

    Try also to remember that FIL is blaming you for MIL wanting to divorce. You have become the archetype for all 'scheming' women.

    When next you talk to Mr A you might mention that you DO recognise this and hopefully, so does he (!?!) It's just good to clear the air with that.

    Of course Mr A should be on your side, but he's also walking a fine line before the house is officially signed over.

    Mr. A does want what's best for you and yes, in spite of all signs otherwise you have to accept that he IS a Turkish man and his father IS demanding sympathy, family ties are HUGE in Turkey - and that for a while you will have to cope - again - with being the "outsider"... at least on a few occasions.

    Keep thinking about your visit to your daughter and keep a vision of that strong in your mind to not fall into that emotional pit, FIL really wants to have everyone wallow in with him!

  7. First off: Good for your Mother-in-Law clearing out that bank account! Hurrah!

    Second: Surely he has many properties that he can choose to live in, correct? NO WAY will he move in with you! Right? Ack! The thought is too stressful to even consider!

    Lastly: I'm a nosey git so not a chance I'd stop at the first paragraph! Besides - yes, you DO have to go through all this on your own, but!! You are not alone, my dear. Your electronic ink friends are just a click away. So... let it all out. Vent, it's YOUR Blog, you're not forcing any of us here. Remember you DO have support, please? And many caring people to take your side, rally around you and raise your standard high!
    It's war!

    (And you know how good the Brits are in wartime! And, just so you know, I'm an Honorary Brit.) ;)

    To the trenches! We'll give this wally what-for! Someone start lobbing those day-old Tesco scones at him while I charge up this Bird's custard gun! I think there might be some cheap frozen Haggis in the deep freeze, come on, grab some of those rotten cherry tomatoes and let fly! Food fight!

    (You smiling yet?)

    Warm hugs and quiches from Kitty xo

  8. Oh thankyou so much all of you for your lovely comments and for supporting me. You have no idea how much it means to me to feel that I'm not totally alone in coping with this.

    And Kitty...not just smiling..but laughing...thanks xx

    Thanks again all of you xxxxxx

    There will no doubt be more "posts just for me to vent my spleen" over the coming you've all been warned!

  9. While you understand what Mr. Ayak is doing in keeping FIL on board about handing over the house - and just watch him hang that out as long as possible to exercise power - it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

    You go out for the day and let them get on with it.

    No wonder MIL cleared out the bank account if the likely settlement is so unfair. Good for her.

    Thinking of you.

  10. Poor you.
    You shouldn't have to put up with that kind of rudeness. But he's not going to change.
    Carry on being nice and smiling and hope he doesn't stay too long...

  11. Oh I am getting so annoyed with FIL and feel so sorry for you and also for MIL. Seems women are not treated very well in Turkey.
    FIL sounds a most unreasonable man. You really do have the patience of a saint.

    Nuts in May

  12. Thankyou again for more lovely comments from my dear bloggy friends.

    He's staying for a week I my patience will have to stretch a bit further.

  13. Oh dear, poor you. Hopefully he'll soon be gone, but that trip to Milas will give you a bit of breathing space.

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  15. Sending you mega virtual hugs and hoping that FIL visit is a short one xx

  16. Jan: the trip to Milas was made on the back of the motorbike rather than the bus..but it was good.

    Kitty...yes a week! You really do cheer me up with your comments...xxxxx

    Bomb...thankyou xxxx


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