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Wednesday, 19 May 2010

That big black cloud

You may be forgiven for thinking that I'm going to do a post here about the volcanic ash cloud.

I'm not...but I can't help thinking that it's a good simile.  It's that other big black cloud...you know the one...it follows me around, causing disruption in my head.  It won't disappear until it's good and ready. 

Oh yes...I hear you say...she's talking about depression...AGAİN.  Such is my paranoia that I am convinced that the subject of MY depression is boring.  So I don't talk about it.   I blog about it because where else can I say how I feel?   If you want to be really bored you can read my previous posts on the subject here

At the worst depressive time in my life I kept a diary.  I recorded my every thought.   What a self-indulgent exercise that was.  Thank goodness the diary was lost years ago.

Don't ask me why the "black cloud" is with me now.  I really don't know why.  It just arrived.   There are triggers of course.  The odd throwaway comment that someone can make, which is forgotten the minute it leaves their lips...actually hits me full force...it's criticism of me, my actions, behaviour, whatever....it shoots my self-esteem down in flames.  It makes me feel like the worst wife/mother/grandmother/sister/friend (delete where appropriate) that ever existed.  

The feeling that no matter how hard I try to do the right thing, to help, to advise, to give, to love, to care..it will never be enough to be accepted, to be loved in return.  None of us are perfect...we all have faults...sometimes I wish I didn't feel that people are zooming in on my faults and that they could just sometimes focus on  my good qualities.   I know I have some.   The little voice in the deep recesses of my mind keeps telling me I do...and that it's just the paranoia that's convincing me otherwise...but that small voice is just overwhelmed by the bigger one that keeps insisting I'm useless.

No comments on this post are necessary.  What is there to say?   It's another self-indulgent exercise.  I've written, deleted and re-written it a fair number of times during a sleepless night....and finally got it off my chest.  It helps.   The black cloud will disperse in it's own time.

14 comments:

  1. Someone I loved very dearly had depression and it was utterly debilitating for them. I couldn't help them, I wished I could. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better too, I send you some love xxxx

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  2. auntiegwen...love really helps...thankyou xxx

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  3. It's a great compliment to your blogging friends that you can post about how you are feeling.

    Yes, those little throwaway remarks can really hurt...and fester...

    But you're not getting them from people who matter to you at a guess and the only way to deal with it is to be ruthless about whose opinion you value.

    Easy to say, I know, but it helps me when some smart arse remark sets me off into self doubt.

    Take care, enjoy your daughter and Billy and two fingers to people who put the mouth in gear before the brain.

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  4. Just back after a lightning strike enforced 1 week break from blogger and internet land. As you say, what can we say, except we're thinking of you.

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  5. FF: Thankyou xxx

    Fly: I don't know if it's a compliment to my blogging friends but it's a compliment to me that you are all willing to listen and offer support. Thankyou xxx

    Nomad: Thankyou xxx

    Heiko: Welcome back! And thankyou xxx

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  6. Hugs to you Ayak. I think thats what blogs are for just release and let go of as much as u feel u can, no need to apologise or think peeps dont want to listen. I use my blog for everything I just go with the flow xx

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  7. Thankyou Bomb...I feel so much better for letting it all out xxx

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  8. It's probably knowing that you won't get back to England for awhile, since you just had a visit.

    All the excitement of your visit is just showing you the down side for a bit.

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  9. your sincerity amazes me. I share the similar feelings, and I haven't been brave / open enough to blog or even talk about it openly. There is such a stigma in most cultures towards depression. Maybe it's high time to get out of my shell too. I hope you feel better soon!

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  10. @eloh: Yes I think that fact doesn't help my current mood. I'll get through it..I usually do!

    thequeenofistanbulslums: (Phew what a long name...do you mind if I call you "queen"?)
    Anyway a warm welcome to my blog. I really find it helps to write about my feelings. I think blogging is a great way to do it. I agree there is still a stigma in certain cultures, but I refuse to be part of that. We are what we are...complex characters with imperfections. We should feel free to express our feelings without fear of being judged. I hope you can find the courage to talk about your feelings too. And thankyou for your good wishes xx

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  11. Ayak you have such a wonderful blog here, you speak for many of us, we each have a dark cloud descend on us every now and again. You don't know who to talk to, you feel stupid for feeling this way, and you are right blogging is the best way of dealing with things.

    How easy it is to talk to strangers than it can be to our own families at time.

    I hope your black cloud lifted very quickly and the sun shone through and the black cloud never descends again.

    Just reading about the antics of your dogs, I am glad I am not the only one that has to retrieve a dog from an awkward position. Bo decided he would morph into a cat and try and climb a tree to get a cat, only problem was when his feet were no longer on firm ground he panicked, you got it I had to get into the tree to encourage him down.

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  12. Bren: I'm really pleased that you are finding time to read my blog and to comment. (Please add yourself to my Followers List..I'd be delighted).

    The black cloud comes and goes. I've always been very open about my depression, and it's other symptoms, such as anxiety and paranoia. Having had personal experience and also worked for years in the mental health field, I recognise how important it is that we get rid of the stigma which is still unfortunately attached to mental health problems. And yes...blogging is an excellent way of offloading some of this stuff. As you will see I have made many good friends in this blogging community, people who are very supportive to me, and I hope I am able to return the favour.

    Oh yes...dogs are are delight and a bloody nuisance at times aren't they? But we wouldn't be without them!

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