Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Anger management

Years ago when I worked in the mental health field, I attended lots of course, which were considered to be of benefit to our clients.   One of them was an anger management course.

It was very interesting and proved to be a useful tool in helping our clients to manage their anger and channel it in a more positive direction. Even if I say so myself, I was pretty good at diffusing angry situations and generally calming people down.

But when it comes to practising what I preached, I fail miserably.  It's a bit like nurses making the worst patients.   If I'm angry, I forget about how I'm supposed to deal with it.

I'm angry now.   Mr Ayak's business venture seems to have failed.   I don't know why it has gone wrong.  Potentially it was a good idea.   It should have worked....he was enthusiastic about it...he worked hard at it, in spite of various obstacles which kept getting in the way...and the fact that no-one wants to spend money on turkish baths and massages.

OK...he's sticking it out.  He has no choice.  He has the rest of the rental to pay, plus personnel accommodation, etc.   He can't just walk away from these responsibilities...much as I think he would like to.

So why am I so angry?   Maybe it's because I'm fed up with struggling.  I want life to get easier, not more difficult.   I'm more angry than I've ever been in my entire life, to the point that I want to hit someone or something.   I don't usually feel like this....I usually just go into a deep depression.

I can't talk to Mr Ayak.  We haven't spoken for days.  It's because I'm angry and I'm scared that if I get into a conversation with him I will start blaming him for everything going wrong.   I'm sure he doesn't need that..he's probably already blaming himself.

So in a way I'm exercising a little not projecting my anger on to him, but I don't know how to channel these feelings. 

Blogging about this has in fact helped to calm me down a little, but it's not enough.  If anyone has any brilliant ideas to help me get rid of this anger...please let me know.


  1. I'm so sorry to hear that Mr A's business venture isn't going well.

    Sending hugs from this side of the world xxx

  2. Linda, I truly believe that it is NOT God's Will for anyone to be poor or to fail in business. I am, as you know, a devout RC, but I have been following the Evangelical Christian teachings on the Bible on the God channel for the last few years and find them wonderful. I also dabble a bit in Hinduism and the positive effects of meditation. Ramana is great for encouraging me in all this.

    In a nutshell - cut out the blame. No one is to blame, everyone meant well. Think positively even when things look awful. If you think positive, the situation can soon turn around even when it was looking fatal. Another thing - this is a Biblical principle and a Koranic one too - give ten per cent of whatever your business earns to the deserving poor. Even if you only earn ten drachmas (or whatever), give one away to the poor. This, according to any religion you can name, Hindu, Islam, Christian, breaks the forces of evil over your money and helps it to multiply in a positive way.

    Even if you don't practise any religion, spend some time every day just being quiet, away from computer, tv, radio, noise. Breathe deeply down to your stomach, hold your breath, let it out, become peaceful. Whoever your Higher Power is, hand your situation over to Him/Her. Feel complete faith and trust and let go, just be free.

    I had a terrible crisis of faith recently when my youngest son was denied promotion to First Class in school. I couldn't relax. I literally had to learn to let go again. Once I did, the freedom was amazing. AND he got his promotion four months later when no-one thought he would.

    Wish you all the best and sending good thoughts and positive vibrations your way....xxxxhugs

  3. i completely feel you. i have been there.

    and i am really sorry for what you have to deal with.

    imho, the best solution might be dropping the whole thing and making a fresh start with another business plan. im sure that would make you and your husband feel better. i know how things can go deeply worse if you insist on a failing business.

    and i know escaping is not a solution, but just dont try to think about it all the time. give yourself a break, escape the reality for a couple of hours, and do something you enjoy, like reading a book maybe.

  4. It sounds to me like your bottling everything up and are feeling a bit like a pressure need to let it out!! Scream, jump up and down, rant and rave, dance, cry, attack the garden or call a friend and let it all out. Only once you've done that will you be able to talk about it without blame being thrown about.

    I'm so sorry your having to go through you have other ideas or plans in the pipeline?

    C x

  5. Oh Ayak what an I say cept I really feel for you. You know me I dont practice what I preach bu maybe what they say is write a letter to whoever and express all these feelings then throw it away once is done. Dont know whether this works or not cos I have never tried it, but I find blogging is similar for me I tend to say quite a few things I would normally not even tell anyone about though I have to admit there are some things I never say and I so wish I could. I stillhave so much stuff trapped inside. Try it in the letter it cant do any harm. Sending hugs to you xx

  6. Thanks everyone for your advice and good wishes. It means a great deal to me, and has given me something to think about, which in turn seems to have calmed me down.

  7. I agree with Carol, re: letting it all out. If you bottle it all up inside or try to keep yourself from getting angry, it's a bit like saying you're not worthy enough to have and express a range of emotions. You've deprived yourself of a lot of other things because of your struggles, so why deprive yourself even further? You're a strong woman who's gone through a lot, so please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel.

    The trick, though, is to turn this anger into constructive rather than destructive. So you can either scream, cuss, chop wood, or knead manti dough (personally, my manti dough is much smoother when I am angry and need to pound something into oblivion). Doing physical things can be a catharsis. Do these things until you've had enough fill of anger, and then slowly release it.

    I hope things look up for you soon. If anything, go on a webchat with your grandson to remind yourself that even through all the frustrations and setbacks that life threw at you, there's one thing that came perfectly as planned: Billy.

  8. UNchecked other: As with everyone else here, your words are very wise. You've also given me much to think about. I've been pulling up weeds today...a job I really didn't want to do because it plays havoc with my arthritis...but it's been very cathartic...I'm getting there.

    Thanks xx

  9. I think that you have to be very careful not to bottle things up and swallow things down.
    The fact that you cannot talk about this to your husband is not good for you at all.
    Is there not anyway that you can discuss everything without it getting to a huge row?
    I really hope that you will find a way round this.
    I agree that writing/blogging gives tremendous relief.
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

  10. Maggie: I have calmed down as the day has progressed, and I've tried to talk to Mr A on the phone but he is so stressed that it's not a good time. I think I need to wait for a day or so before attempting to discuss anything. We usually end up talking things's a case of picking the right time.

  11. I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you at the moment- I hope everything changes for the better. What really helps me when I'm angry and upset is to freewrite; I set a timer for 5, 10, 20 minutes, sit down and write whatever comes into my head. It can be complete gibberish, repeated words, anything, but it helps to get your thoughts on paper.

  12. Ayak, I'm very sorry to hear all of this. I understand your anger and feel for you. My sister has terminal cancer and had a lot of pent up anger (understandably). She found blogging, gardening, yoga and keeping a personal diary (where she really lets loose) Helps her tremendously. She also goes to therapy to help deal with everything (she is terminal). All of this has made a HUGE difference for her. Although she is physically in the worst shape of her life, mentally she is stronger and happier than she has ever been because of it. I don't know if that helps - but I thought I'd share anyway. I hope you feel better soon.

  13. Lale: I might try that...thanks x

    'Cross the Pond: I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. My anger seems so unimportant compared with what she must be going through. Thanks for the advice xxx

  14. Sorry to have caught up so late...of course you're angry.
    He did everything right and was let down by the General Manager, changing the rules behind his back.

    Life in France gets me angry...the sheer dishonesty....and I just have to keep away from Mr. Fly as he is my only sounding board and he is as fed up with it as I am so doesn't need me to make matters worse.

    For me, cricket commentary works wonders! But it's not always available when I am in a rage so I go off and do savage things in the garden.

  15. Fly: You're right about the General Manager. He is I believe at the root of the problem. Now he is hassling Mr A for the remainder of the rental money so that's causing an additional problem.
    Oh I think cricket commentary might send me to sleep...actually that's not a bad thing!

  16. Glad you're feeling better now. Was thinking of you...

  17. gaelikaa: Thanks for thinking of me. Things can only get better!


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