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Saturday, 9 October 2010

The Adventure Bug

I've mentioned before ( here ) about Mr Ayak's constant need for adventure.

Of course if we were financially stable, Mr A's life would be one big adventure, that's for sure.  He would no doubt want to travel the world and experience everything.

He has itchy feet.  He always has to be on the move.  Even when he's at home, he can't sit in one place and relax.  He paces up and down, goes from one room to another and can't wait for the next "adventure" to begin.

As I mentioned in the link to my previous post, I used to follow him, but I gradually got fed up with moving so much, so when we came to live in this village, I decided that I would stay put, and because there is no work in this area for him, he would go wherever he could find a job.

His going away for periods of time in previous years, when we lived in different areas, didn't bother me at all.  I like my own company.  I also had friends in those areas, so I was able to socialise whenever I wanted to.  But it's different here.  I have no friends and no social life.  OK the women of the village are really lovely, and  friendly, but I have nothing in common with them, so I'm left feeling very lonely at times.

This year has been a  difficult one for us.  I found it  hard to be alone here last winter, particularly when I fell and injured my back while Mr A was away in Istanbul.  He did fly down of course, and lost his job because of it.  The hamam business didn't work out, and on top of that (and also in some respects because of that) our marriage has suffered as a result.

Mr A now knows that I am not happy for us to spend so much time apart, and if this situation continues, then the marriage would ultimately come to an end.  Neither of us want this to happen so we've had to reach a compromise.

Working together at the hamam for the last three weeks of business proved to be the turning point.  We couldn't have managed it if we hadn't bought the car.  We know now that this is the way forward.  Anything that we have planned for next year, we will do together.

But we still have to get through yet another winter with little money, and so we come to Mr A's latest (ad)venture.  It's now one week since he began.  It got off to a reasonably good start but it's not been too good since.   Apart from Monday night when he slept in the car, he has returned home every night.  I think this is where the problem lies.  He needs to go further away to areas where he knows he can sell.  He hasn't been doing this because he is aware that I don't want to be alone, and has come home each night...and naturally has used more petrol in doing so.

I told him yesterday that it was OK for him to go further afield.  We have to shift this stock so I have to put my needs to one side for a while.  So off he set with his stock, blanket and pillow, and he phoned me last night when he had reached his planned destination.  He is in a village somewhere....with just enough money to buy a couple of glasses of tea, and no money for petrol until he sells something. He doesn't seem concerned about this.  Somehow it gives him more of an incentive to sell.

 I had to phone him at 6am because there is a market there today.  I said to him last night that although I know he is trying to earn money, I feel that all this travelling satisfies his need for adventure.  Surprisingly, he said that he felt that he was getting too old for this, and that he really wanted to settle down and spend more time at home with me.

I have come to the conclusion that if you are in a relationship with someone who has this need for adventure, you just have to allow them to get on with it.    There's no point in trying to stop them...it doesn't work.   Eventually, it would seem, they just get it out of their system and the adventure bug disappears.

9 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Your conclusions make good sense. This kind of wisdom comes with experience because it seems like the first thing couples try to do when they first marry is to change their partner.
    And anyway, trying to stop a person from dreaming is a kind of castration. (That doesn't mean you can't show them the realistic view when necessary of course.)

    And on top of that, if you hold them back from their "adventures" - even if they bound to fail and all their adventures are a bit wacky- they will probably resent you for it. No matter how practical you might sound, it's a lousy job to be the realistic "party-pooper" type all the time. :)

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  3. Nomad: I can always rely on your wise words my dear friend. You almost always understand where I'm coming from.
    I am a bit of a control freak by nature...and because it has made life difficult for me in the past...I have to make a supreme effort to let it go.

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  4. Ayak, I think if both halves 'give'...sometimes a bit, sometimes a lot...then life together gets to an equilibrium.

    I don't know how many times I have thought to myself that I cannot live through another house renovation...but Mr Fly is a house renovation recidivist and it gives him so much pleasure, planning, organising and screaming that I get caught up in it too.
    And I have to admit that he does a wonderful job, bringing places back to life.

    Let's hope this winter pulls in the money you want to start up your new venture..working together.

    Fingers crossed and all best wishes for Mr.Ayak's success.

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  5. Fly: I just don't think any of us have the right to impose restrictions on another person. I learned that the hard way! What's the saying "If you love someone...let them go" (well actually it's probably words from a song..not sure)...but Mr A has never tried to change me or stop me from doing anything I wanted to do.

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  6. Oh, I fear I have a bit of wonderlust in me too. Fortunately, I secured a steady job that allowed me to travel on the company's expense across the USA. Now husband's job allows me to travel with him and IF i really wanted to, now that I'm an RN, I could sign up for jobs to be a traveling nurse. The problem is, I've seen all the USA a few times over. I can blame my mom for this gypsy blood. She loved to travel too. The remaining 6 children are content to be in the home state where we were born.

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  7. Charlotte Ann: I used to be the same, it's just in recent years I've felt the need to put down roots.

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  8. you're very like me. You can be in a relationship and still spend a lot of time on your own, enjoying your own company. Yash, as you know commutes to the next city 3 times a week and we don't spend as much time together as we should. The trouble is that since his mother became a widow, she is very demanding on him, So what little time he spends at home seems to be in her company. I call that unfair....

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  9. gaelikaa...yes it is unfair. I'm glad I don't have that particular problem.

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