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Saturday, 5 May 2012

An Important Visit

Mr A's very elderly grandmother died three weeks ago.  She looked after him from a very early age, after his mother left when Mr A was just two weeks old.  No-one ever talks about Mr A's mother or the reason why she left.  From my experiences of my FIL, I somehow think that the blame may lie with him.  It must have been an act of desperation for a mother to leave a two week old baby with his father.

Time moved on.  FIL remarried and Mr A's stepmother had two children, who Mr A adores.  He has a very good relationship with them and his stepmother.  But it is his grandmother that he has always referred to as his Mum, because he lived with her and his grandfather for most of his childhood.

He is still distraught.  He came home late last night and was so upset that it was difficult to console him.  I think he is suffering a great deal of guilt because he hadn't seen his "Mum" for 18 months.  And three weeks ago when she had been taken into hospital, and while he was making the long journey to Ankara to see her, she died before he had chance to say goodbye.  I think it will take him a long time to recover.

His grandfather is now also very old and frail and Mr A doesn't want to leave it so long before seeing him again. 

He has just phoned to say that FIL will be bringing grandfather here for a visit..  We have no idea when this will be or for how long.  Maybe just a few days, but who knows?  

It's not a problem for me to welcome his grandfather here.  Although I only met him and grandmother once for a few days some years ago, they showed me so much love and made me feel very much part of their family.

My problem is with FIL.  On his last visit he was very nasty to me and actually told me he didn't consider me part of this family.

It's going to be very difficult.  Mr A is not going to be here, other than late evening until early morning, so it will be up to me to entertain grandfather and FIL.   FIL's English is perfect so naturally he will communicate with me in my language.  Grandfather knows no English, so will be unaware of what is being said.  I have a feeling FIL will do all he can to make me feel uncomfortable and give the wrong impression of me to grandfather.

Maybe I'm being over concerned or even paranoid about this visit, but frankly I'm absolutely dreading it.

32 comments:

  1. I reckon grandad will use his eyes and make up his own mind...but I also think you are right about filthy FIL.
    Just a thought - if Google Translate has Turkish you can 'speak' direct to grandad while showing him stuff on your laptop to help him to get to know you....your daughter, the boys, England.
    That should drive FIL bonkers...

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    1. That's an excellent idea Fly. It's something I have used to communicate with MIL before now.

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  2. I think more communication comes from body language, facial expression and tone than through words. If youre genuine with him, he will know.

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    1. I agree with Kelloggsville. Love knows no language barriers. Igore FIL, grandfather has already made up his mind that you are part of the family and already shown you it.

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    2. Thankyou for your reassuring words Vicky xxx

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  3. Başın sağ olsun, dear Ayak and hope the visit goes all right.

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  4. I can come and visit next week if you'd like some moral support. My parents leave tomorrow.

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    1. BtoB...Do come over next week. It would be great to see you. Give me a ring and we'll arrange it xxx

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  5. I'm so sorry that Mr.A is still so upset over his Grandmother's passing. Maybe when he sees the Grandfather he will feel better.
    Too bad that FIL is such a nasty grumpy annoying man.....I would brace myself and be so nice and sweet to him that he will feel like throwing up. Can Mr. A tell him to behave....himself around you????.
    But showing Grandpa pics of your Family...might sweeten the day. Good Luck and try and not get your blood pressure up over this man.....it's probably not worth it.

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    1. Erica...Mr A would be wasting breath in trying to tell his FIL anything. Many have tried and failed. I have tried all the tactics with FIL...being sweet, ignoring. You name it, I've tried. I will grin and bear it as always xx

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  6. Ayak, I'll be praying that all will go well, and that FIL will not make trouble, and for strength for you. You need to be strong for Mr A, and not to have other problems on top of that.

    Just to introduce myself - I'm a friend of Perpetua, and she's going to get me blogging as soon as possible when she gets back from the wilds of Northern Scotland. My blog name is Helva, and my blog address will be 'theshipwhosang' (title of a fantasy novel by Anne McCaffrey - Helva is the heroine). I look forward to reading more of your blogs - have enjoyed the ones I've read already (& your comments to Perpetua.) All the best.

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    1. A warm welcome to my blog Helva. Thankyou for your good wishes. I look forward to reading your blog when you are up and running. Blogging is very addictive. You'll love it, and you get to meet so many lovely people xx

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  7. I do hope FIL isn't as unpleasant on this trip as you expect him to be....maybe, recognising grandfather's needs at this tough time, and those of Mr A. might have softened him a little...wishful thinking maybe. Anyway, thinking of you lots. J.

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    1. Thanks Janice. It appears that Mr A had a go at FIL on my behaif while he was in Ankara for his grandmother's funeral...in front of the rest of the family. So we'll see!

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  8. FIL sounds a right old control freak. I love people like him because I refuse to let them see I am upset and I find the more I smile the more pissed off they get. The Google translate sounds a great idea then FIL can't control the situation and if he tries just raise an eyebrow and continue with showing Grandad your lovely family. Good luck, keep us posted, I know you will.

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    1. Carol I try to keep smiling but he has very devious tactics and catches me unawares...I think just to get a reaction.

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  9. Oh dear..... this puts you in a tricky situation and it was cruel of him to say that. I am sure you have such a kind nature that you will overcome it. In fact I just know you will.
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

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    1. Thanks for having faith in me Maggie. I hope it's not misguided!

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  10. Hello Ayak, I think I must be going mad... I thought I'd commented....but maybe that was just in my head! I do hope the visit goes better than you expect, maybe, FIL will recognise grandfather's needs, and Mr A's needs at this tough time for everyone. I hope so, thinking of you. Janice.

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    1. Janice you did indeed leave a comment, as you can now see. Maybe it's because I moderate all comments before publishing, and I've been out all day today so there was a delay in publishing xx

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    2. Oh well, at least I'm not going completely mad.... fingers crossed things go well for you. J

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    3. Of course you're not going mad Janice...although I swear I am sometimes! xx

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  11. Ayak, given the respect for parents and older people in Turkish society is there any hope that FIL will behave rather better to you in front of his father than he normally does? I'm sorry you have this to cope with and that Mr A is still grieving so much. The Google translate idea is sheer brilliance and I bet grandfather will love to 'meet' your family like this.

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    1. Perpetua. I only discovered last night that whilst Mr A was in Ankara, it appeared that most of the family turned on FIL because of the way he treats people. I think grief brings out a lot of things from people that perhaps they wouldn't normally say.It seems to have started with one comment that FIL made about our dogs. Complaining about dogs hairs everywhere in this house (completely untrue because it's something I take care of on a daily basis). But it was the trigger for Mr A to have a go at him about the way he treats me, and it would seem the entire family jumped to my defence. As a result Mr A says FIL is showing extreme remorse. That the death of his mother and a few home truths from his family have seen a change in him.

      I would like to think this is the case but I am wary. Only time will tell of course.

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  12. I so pray for you that it goes well. Maybe FIL will behave differently around grandpa because he wouldn't want the visit to be too stressful. My FIL does around other people because he doesn't want other people to know how he really is. I feel for you.

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    1. Thanks for understanding Kelleyn. Families can be so difficult can't they? xxx

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  13. Oh my.. I know exactly how this feels. My husband has quite a mean streak in him and his family speaks NO English at all. They were here this time last year for over a month and he was horrible to me. Of course I'm sure he was telling them I was being awful. I just sat and cried for most of the month, not being able to communicate with anyone. Of course it was all 'my' fault because they had an awful time here. :( Will be thinking of you. Why do people have to act so nasty to eachother. :((

    Terri

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    1. Oh Terri, how awful for you. I can imagine what a dreadful month that must have been. If you ever want to talk about things,or need a bit of moral support, please email me.

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  14. I accidently hit a button and lost my comment...will be thinking of you...if I were your neighbor I'd come and be with you everyday while FIL and GFIL were there!

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    1. Oh thankyou Theanne. I would enjoy your company and your moral support xxx

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