Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Visits

It was late morning on Saturday.  Mr A was on his way back from Milas, and I was pottering around in the kitchen.  Poppy was outside barking furiously at the gate, which usually means there's someone there.  I popped out to have a look, and lo and behold...the in-laws.

They haven't been to visit for a year now...thank goodness.  In fact Mr A had said that they wouldn't be coming again as they have undertaken another retirement project.   My brother-in-law Yakup has a house in the countryside, nearer Ankara, which FIL gave him.  It has a lot of land, so FIL is building a house there for him and MIL  Naturally I am pleased about this because it means I no longer have to put up with FIL's hateful comments (always when Mr A is out of earshot).

I have also learned that although MIL is always very sweet to me, she often encourages FIL's attitude towards me.  I can't stand people who are two-faced.  At least FIL is honest in how he feels about me.

Unfortunately, earlier that morning, Mr A and I had had a huge row.  We hadn't had chance to resolve things, so weren't talking.   Don't you just hate it when people turn up when you're in that situation, and even though you are seething, you feel the need to put on a brave face?

So there they are...turning up unannounced.  All the way from Ankara.  How hard is it to make a phone call to say they're coming?  Of course I should be used to this.  It isn't the first time it has happened.  I used to think it must be a cultural thing.  It's not...it's just bloody rude.

They walked through the gate and I welcomed them with a smile (through gritted teeth).  Mr A returned and they sat outside.  Mr A asked me to make tea.  That annoyed me.  Of course I was about to do so, but because we weren't exactly on good terms, I resented him telling me what to do.  I served tea and sat with them, but was totally ignored and excluded from the conversation. 

Apparently they had come to collect household items that they had stored in the old house, so the three of them set about removing them and carrying down to FIL's truck down the hill.  In the meantime, I made a large pot of cauliflower soup.  I had very little food in the fridge as we were about to go shopping.  A couple of hours later, Mr A came into the house and asked me what I had prepared for lunch.  He saw the soup and said "Is that all?"   My response was that if people turn up out of the blue, I can hardly be expected to produce a 3 course meal.

There was some cooked chicken in the fridge so I sliced that.  Also some salami, which we don't particularly like, but Poppy does.  So I added that to the chicken with some tomatoes, and bread.  They only ate the soup anyway and didn't touch the meat.

Mr A insisted they stay the night.  I made up the beds and they went to bed early.

They were up at the crack of dawn on Sunday and ready to go.  I offered them breakfast but they declined.  I said goodbye and they left, with Mr A following on the motorbike.  I assumed he was going into the village to get bread.   More than an hour passed.  I phoned Mr A to ask if he was bringing bread for breakfast.   He said he and his parents were down on the land doing some work.  I asked if he wanted breakfast.  No, he had already eaten breakfast with his parents, as they had brought food with them.   Excluded again...I think I get the message.

I have never known such rudeness from anyone.  And I am still not best pleased with Mr A for appearing on this occasion to collude with them.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here.

28 comments:

  1. Don't!

    How much Mr.Fly has bent over backwards with people who treat him like shit...because he still, after all these years, wants a family relationship.

    They abuse..he used to give in.

    I have put down my foot. I've had enough of it.

    They are not worth two pennorth of cold gin,nor is any relationship purchased worth the price.
    And I'm certainly not acquiescing in putting myself down.
    Loyalties are important.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I'm in total agreement Fly, so I can not understand why when this is all happening, for some reason I feel like I'm doing something wrong. It's only afterwards that I think "hang on a minute..." and then I get really angry. So of course the row between Mr A and I continued, but there is a ceasefire at the moment!

      Delete
  2. Oh Ayak, having been there I know exactly how you are feeling. As we say in Lancashire, 'chin up chuck'!

    I sometimes think that because we Brits tend to keep our feelings in check in front of others, people conclude that they can behave how they like towards us...kind of an 'oh, she won't be bothered' attitude.

    I totally agree with you, their behaviour was very, very rude, and I'm betting that your husband took full advantage of them turning up to mete out a little punishment for the argument you had earlier. Honestly, do men EVER grow up?!

    I'm afraid I would be telling them how rude they have been.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah I knew you would get it Lilli! No men don't grow up, and Turkish men in particular find it almost impossible to stand up to their fathers.

      Part of me wanted to tell them what I thought, but I decided to take the high ground, keep smiling, and say nothing. I have learned from past experience that this annoys the hell of out my FIL. (It's bloody difficult to do it though!)

      Delete
  3. Nah, there's no point in airing your feelings with people like that. It's calculated rudeness that they're doing for their own entertainment, or goodness knows what. Seriously fucked in the head, selfish people. I was shocked when I read they refused your food. That's about as calculated as it gets, and I'm sorry Mr. A seemed to join it. I know that feeling well, unfortunately.

    Grr. At least it doesn't happen often. You're probably too nice to just leave, and go stay with friends or neighbors or something, next time they turn up unannounced...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes Stranger, I know you have had similar experiences. And you're right about my not airing my feelings. I've done that in the past and it means they've provoked a reaction, so they win.

      I was seriously pissed off with Mr A's collusion, but I've made it pretty clear how I feel. I don't think we will be getting anymore visits from them. There's no reason for them to turn up again now...unless they just want to annoy me for the hell of it.

      Delete
  4. On the collusion, it's easier for me to think about it now that I'm not inside it. But I think it's not a matter of Mr. A's ill-will or malice or anger or anything like that towards you-- my ex did it to me with his family even when we were getting along great. I think it's more about his learned family patterns and falling into a comfort zone without even thinking about it. In fact, it's probably something that's really hard to think about, because it just seems "normal" to the person whose family it is.

    It's just such a shame when those family patterns are so mean and psychologically fucked up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes I agree Stranger. Perhaps collusion was the wrong word. It's more like reverting to type..behaving differently because of his father's influence, and what he expects of Mr A...ie the way he was raised. I notice this change in his behaviour every time the in-laws visit (although it was more noticeable this time because we weren't getting on). This behaviour sticks around for a day or so after they have departed, when he seems to return to being the person that I am used to.

      Delete
  5. Keep on with the sweetly smiling - drives them wild!

    I know what you mean about being slipping into different behaviour patterns around your parents. I remember being told by my father to go and put my slippers on, and I was halfway down the corridor before I remembered that I was in MY house and that I could pad around barefoot if I wanted to!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Easy habit to slip back into Vicky x

      Delete
  6. Aww, I'm sorry to hear that Ayak! I do think it was probably just a case of reverting to type, as you say, since his parents were around. Hope things sweeten up before you leave for the UK!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's all fine now thanks Deniz. This post was more about getting it all off my chest, which always helps.

      Delete
  7. (((HUGS))).....so sorry you have to go through this. But I know easy for me to say but just put it behind you. Just think you will see your Family soon. Can't believe how some people can be so mean, two faced and down right a big bully. UGH!!!!
    Trust me...I've been there myself when I visit.
    My MIL (rip) has crossed over a year ago but the SIL is still here and she seems to be the matriarch of the bunch..... if we lived there I doubt we would be together....but here I only have to deal with the phone calls. But mind you when they visit here they are quite
    quiet....I mean the sister but the cousins were so bad that my husband actually threw his cousins out of our house and they eventually moved back to Istanbul...he realized himself they were not up to good accusing me of things that he knows I was never even there b/c at that time he was with me....
    Do take care.....and I hope you and Mr. A do settle your differences.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Turkish families can often try our patience Erica. You are also lucky in that you don't have to see them too often x

      Delete
  8. Hugs from me, its just plain rude behaviour xx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Snap. Again, I know exactly what you mean.

    And collusion probably is exactly the right word. I mean, it's right for what you're feeling.

    On the other hand, it's really a blessing that Mr. A can return to being the man he's become after a short time. You guys are both so lucky that he didn't stay the man-boy he used to be, or that his family apparently wanted him to be forever... Hugs. It's so hard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It can be hard at times Stranger, and if Mr A wasn't able to get back to his normal self after time with his family, I doubt we would have been together for so long. Thanks xx

      Delete
  10. I've read your blog often but have not commented, as much as I can remember. I love reading about your living in a different country and how you adjust. But I must admit, I don't understand why you are with Mr. A. He doesn't seem to add that much to the relationship. He is often gone, leaving you alone in a strange country and is not very nice to you when his family is visiting. And his family is atrocious. Also, I have wondered if you could live much better with more financial security if you were back home, living closer to your grandchildren. I hope you don't mind my saying this, but you did put "it" out there, you feelings of dissatisfaction. I don't mean to be a mean troll. Just wondering why you remain? Ione

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous/lone. Welcome to my blog, and of course I don't mind you expressing your opinion. I always welcome honesty. To try and answer your questions. I am with Mr A because I love him.I am the kind of person who accepts that no person or relationship is perfect. It also has to be understood that life is very different in this country. Wives are very used to being alone for months on end because their husbands have to go wherever they can find work. Yes I am often alone, it's true, but after 15 years living here it is no longer a "strange country". It's my home. I certainly would not be more financially secure living back in England that's for sure. The cost of living here is much lower, and it's easier to live well on less money. I have no property in England, I receive my pension, and if I moved back to the UK I would be one of the many having to rely on benefits to live. I prefer to be self-sufficient here to be honest.

      Yes Mr A's parents are awful, and I hate it when they visit. Mr A, like most if not all Turkish men, will behave differently when his parents are here. But I think most people behave differently when in the company of their parents don't they? It doesn't last. If it did I am sure Mr A and I would have given up years ago. For all his faults, he is a kind and loving man with a good heart.

      So when you ask why I remain, I hope I have explained. I stay because the positives far outweight the negatives.

      Delete
  11. Maybe the bright side of unannounced visits is that you don't spend days working yourself into a state about their imminence...

    Though I don't think there's much of a bright side to unannounced visits from people who expect to be fed. I don't know how people here manage to keep so much food on hand without any waste...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know how Turkish women manage to somehow produce a banquet for unexpected guests omentide. It's quite a talent!

      Delete
  12. Oh dear, Ayak - it's them arriving on top of an unresolved argument that I think is so very annoying; like they KNEW it was a bad time! It's good to have a blog to get it off your chest though - I do hope the lovely Mr A has redeemed himself by now.
    I also think it was good of you to post Ione's comment and your very reasoned response. I don't think she's being mean troll but of course, you love Mr A!! That much is very clear. (I'm rather fond of him myself) It's odd how some people feel they can miss the most obvious bits - just plain odd. Axxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Annie. Yes of course he has redeemed himself..as he always does. I think you get it Annie. You understand completely what I'm saying.

      I thought a lot about Ione's comment, in fact I'm thinking of doing a post about it...watch this space!

      Delete
  13. I'm glad things are good again between you and Mr A, Ayak. I knew they would be, as I've read your blog for long enough to have seen the pattern of your in-laws visits and the strain they create for you and between you and Mr A.

    I think it's also significant that your FiL has given houses to both his sons. What better way to keep them subservient and grateful in a culture where family obligation is so strong.

    Well done for maintaining your smiling front in the face of intolerable rudeness. I too wouldn't give them the satisfaction of thinking they'd succeeded in upsetting me, however hard I was seething inwardly. The really good thing to have come out of all this is the news about the house they are building near your brother-in-law. Here's to future peace with no visits.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right Perpetua. The houses have been "given" to make us beholden to him. The deeds are still in his name of course, because this gives him control.

      I don't think we will be seeing much of them in the future, and I'm thankful for that!

      Delete
  14. I am feeling really het up just reading this. I am annoyed that you are treated so badly.
    Yes..... I have had that experience of being furious with my husband & then having people come to the house. It is hard to appear to be natural.
    Hope all is back to normal soon.
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maggie...have no fear, things are very much back to normal with Mr A and I. It's really difficult acting as if everything is OK when people arrive after you've had a disagreement with your other half. Even worse with his parents. I am used to their behaviour and at least I don't have to put up with it too often...well hopefully not at all in the future!

      Delete

I love getting comments, but don't feel obliged...I'm just happy you're reading my blog.

Posts are moderated to avoid spam, so if you post under "Anonymous",leave your name at the end of your comment so that I know it's a "real" person!.

If you would like to help my rescue dogs and the strays (dogs and cats) of our village and local industrial estate, please email me for details at lindaikaya@hotmail.com Thankyou x