Thursday, 7 February 2013

Why ask for my opinion?

Men can be infuriating.  I know it's not just Mr A, because I also have two brothers, and friends married to men who are similar.  They ask our advice...they listen...then don't follow it.

Whenever Mr A undertakes a new project he asks my advice.  He appears to listen to my opinion...even agreeing with me.  Then  he does something entirely different.

Remember the shelves?   We have more shelves than necessary in the house and when I went to England in December I expressly asked Mr A not to put up any more.  While I was there, he phoned me to say he was moving the phone and modem.  I had already moved them a week or so before I left, to a more convenient location, which also necessitated moving heavy furniture, so that the phone was sitting nicely next to a comfy armchair.

He said he was going to put a shelf on the wall to accommodate the ugly black electric generator (which was sensibly hidden behind said comfy armchair), the phone and the modem.   I asked him not to.  I almost begged him to leave them where they were.   Next day he sent me a photo on Facebook, of the shelf containing the generator, modem and phone.   I asked him to put everything back where it was...he didn't.

When I returned home I almost laughed hysterically at the shelf, which was so high up on the wall that one would have to stand on a chair to use the phone.  Eventually a week or so later, everything was returned to it's previous place...although the bloody shelf is still there!

Mr A has been "landscaping" the garden for several weeks now.  Every day he asks for my opinion on where certain things ought to be, where to build fences and steps, what size should they be and what materials should he use.  Each time he asks and I give my opinion,  he promptly does something different.

I suggested some steps down to the lower garden...not too wide or too big, just sufficient to walk down safely.  He agreed.    But what has he done?   He has started to build steps that are so big that they are taking up practically half the width of the garden.  I could see what he was doing when he measured out the area.  I tried desperately to stop him, but he just carried on.

I don't know why I didn't think to use some reverse psychology.  I should have told him to build enormous steps, then maybe he would have built small ones.   Who knows?

Apologies to any men reading, who are NOT like this.  But ladies, please tell me,  is it a man thing?  Do you have the same problems?

20 comments:

  1. Infuriating.

    I read some place that women in the workplace are always more successful in getting their ideas put into practice if they simply form every idea into a question form.
    So instead of:
    "Let's do this. We should do this"

    it becomes:

    "Is it possible to do this?"

    or, still worse:

    "I suppose you've thought of this already but has anybody considered doing this?"

    I recall being shocked when I read that because it seemed so unfair.
    On the other hand, I suppose you can't argue with results.

    Here's an idea. Challenge him.

    "I am sure you are NOT able to do this but it would be great if it could be like this, wouldn't it? Alas."

    Your case is different, of course.

    It's a sign of disrespect not to take a person's opinion into consideration, especially if they are the ones that have to deal with the effects. Basically his message is: I am asking you because I want you to think I respect your ideas. But I don't really and I will decide everything whether you like it or not.

    Arg...

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    1. Thanks Nomad. I really wanted a man's perspective on this and although I think you are right about it being disrespectful, I also wonder if it's also a Turkish thing. Over the years I have noticed that Turkish women are expert manipulators. To get what they want they manage to convince the man that it's his idea. It's become a necessity in this male dominated society. I don't happen to like it because it goes against everything I believe in to have to use manipulation in any shape or form to get what I want.

      Although I wouldn't say that Mr A is a typical Turkish man in lots of respects, I think perhaps this having to be in control of decisions is something he thinks is expected of him.

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  2. Oh yes!

    They asked me where I wanted the en suite in the new bedroom...so I told them.

    It's now at the other end.

    It has to be genetic.

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    1. Haha...you do surprise me Helen!

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  3. Replies
    1. Glad it's not just me Kelleyn x

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  4. My kids do that, all the bloomin time!!!!! I am hoping they'll grow out of it!!!

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    1. You can live in hope auntiegwen x

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  5. I'm lucky in one respect that I get listened to but I usually then end up doing everything myself - Looking at the green grass on the other side, I'd quite like somethings to be just "got on with"

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    1. I can understand that BtoB. It's almost as bad if you end up doing it yourself. Although at least it's how you want it.

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  6. I wonder whether it's a need to feel in control of something in his life, Ayak? He can't control the availability of work or the shortness of money, but he can control this, even if it does drive you mad. I hate to say it, but a bit of reverse psychology might work wonders.

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    1. Yes i think that could well be part of the problem Perpetua x

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  7. Hmmm... just giving this one some thought. And I'm not always sure that my dear husband actually ASKS my opinion before he puts some of his harebrained schemes into practice....
    However, I did identify at an early stage that the word 'collaboration' isn't a very important one in his vocabulary, so when it's important to me, I don't waste my time giving an opinion, I stick to instructions. If that doesn't work, we occasionally resort to a wrestling match...
    Axxx

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    1. Annie you've just made me laugh out loud at the thought of having to resort to a wrestling match! Good for you if instructions work...they don't for me!

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  8. I have the same guy here.....mind you he does ASK but if not his way he will sulk and mope around. I tell him he reminds me of Sitting Bull....with that face.
    My neighbour on the other hand....the poor guy asks for his wife's opinion or something and she automatically tears into him with a screaming fit. Just incredible, I do feel sorry for the poor guy.
    Just hope no more shelves will pop up when you are away....
    We have a terrible monster snow blast here.....told my husband don't pile the snow over there. Well when I looked it was piled up on the other side when he finished.....my daughter said you should use psychology on him next time. I said "I told you to pile the snow over to the other side' and he said "next time take the shovel and do it yourself"...men UGH!!!!! I should have bonked him on the head with the shovel and ran away. :-(

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    1. It's difficult to get a balance Erica. Your neighbour's wife sounds awful...her poor husband! Reverse psychology is probably the only way to achieve a satisfactory result..if it works!

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  9. Yes, its a man thing, definitely.
    Reverse psychology sometimes works...... from my own experience, but you can't bank on it.
    Maggie x

    Nuts in May

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    1. It's always worth a try Maggie, but no guarantee it will work. Infuriating isn't it?

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  10. As a man I would say he knows what he is going to do but out of courtesy and kindness asks your opinion........ when you do not agree he just thinks........ Well at least I talked to her about it..... last week she was moaning that I never ask her opinion.
    Now I ask her opinion and it becomes yet another instruction and if she thinks I am going to let her tell me what to do when she would not like me telling her what to do...... she's got another thought coming...... maybe I'll just not bother asking her opinion in future as asking her opinion ends up with her moaning forever about what I have done. At least if I do not bother asking her opinion, she ony moans about me not asking her opinion.....and I can ignore that :)

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    1. Hi Anonymous. I don't usually publish anonymous comments (I would prefer it if you mentioned your name). However, I found your comment quite interesting and as you were giving a male perspective I certainly gave it some thought.

      My first reaction on reading it was to feel a little insulted. I thought surely I don't moan about everything he does. But then I tried to be honest with myself, and perhaps I do moan a bit too much if he agrees with my opinion but does something different. I'm trying a different approach at the moment. He still asks for my opinion but I suggest he just does things the way he thinks best. OK the result is not necessarily what I hoped for...but there's less moaning about it!

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