I'm afraid this is one of those posts that is probably best avoided, but those of you have followed my blog for some time will know that I am prone to bouts of depression and also that writing about my feelings can often be therapeutic.
It's the hidden, silent illness, that creeps up on you often without warning. You find yourself suddenly awake in the middle of the night, sobbing uncontrollably and not understanding why. Well of course, you kind of know the reasons why. Circumstances, problems, all sorts of things have gradually been building up, until your head is just so full of it all.
Then there is the guilt. You have made mistakes in your life. Poor decisions...or even the right decisions but at the wrong time. You know that some of these decisions have affected others and even though much time has moved on, you still punish yourself constantly, and can't rid yourself of the feeling that everyone else's problems or behaviour must somehow be your fault. Although there is a little glimmer of rational thought that tries to tell you that people are responsible for their own choices and behaviour. It's not your responsibility.
Sadly the paranoia seems to take over, and rational thought slips away. You continue to blame yourself and feel that you are worthless.
You know this feeling won't last. You know you've been here before so many times. You know you will get through it eventually but when you are in the middle of it, it's a nightmare. And you know that it will return again at some point and you'll have to face it all over again.
I'm sure this post won't make sense to anyone who has never experienced depression. Those who have will get it.
Depression...it's a life sentence.