Wednesday, 8 January 2014

A life sentence

I'm afraid this is one of those posts that is probably best avoided, but those of you have followed my blog for some time will know that I am prone to bouts of depression and also that writing about my feelings can often be therapeutic.

It's the hidden, silent illness, that creeps up on you often without warning. You find yourself suddenly awake in the middle of the night, sobbing uncontrollably and not understanding why.   Well of course, you kind of know the reasons why.  Circumstances, problems, all sorts of things have gradually been building up, until your head is just so full of it all.  

Then there is the guilt.   You have made mistakes in your life.  Poor decisions...or even the right decisions but at the wrong time.  You know that some of these decisions have affected others and even though much time has moved on, you still punish yourself constantly, and can't rid yourself of the feeling that everyone else's problems or behaviour must somehow be your fault.  Although there is a little glimmer of rational thought that tries to tell you that people are responsible for their own choices and behaviour.  It's not your responsibility.

Sadly the paranoia seems to take over, and rational thought slips away.  You continue to blame yourself and feel that you are worthless.  

You know this feeling won't last.  You know you've been here before so many times.  You know you will get through it eventually  but when you are in the middle of it, it's a nightmare.  And you know that it will return again at some point and you'll have to face it all over again.

I'm sure this post won't make sense to anyone who has never experienced depression.  Those who have will get it.'s a life sentence.


  1. My dear daughter is battling with this. I try to make no demands, just be there loving her. She will communicate by occasional emails. I try so hard not to 'fix' her, just let her know that she is loved. But deep down, even though my head knows it's not true, and she says it's not true, I think it's my fault in some way. Something I have or haven't done. And I can no more help that feeling than she can the depression.

  2. It sure is Linda. I am lucky, I rarely get depressed but I can empathise completely with your situation. First of all please don`t beat yourself up about past decisions and their effect on others. People have to take responsibility for their own lives good and bad. Someone very close to me suffers from bipolar which is also really terrible, but thankfully after a lot of pushing on my part, went to seek help and is now much better, but will never be cured. Charlotte also suffers from depression and is on medication. When she forgets to take it she is a nightmare, but when she takes it regularly she is a different child and fun to be with. Keep your chin up, at least you know what it is and admit to having it which is half the battle. Have your tried St. John`s Wort? Some people swear by it.
    I hope you feel better soon and that Mr. A is over his illness.

  3. I wish there was something I could write to make you feel better but I know depression has no truck with logic. (bit like the Turkish government). Hope you fill lighter soon.

  4. It's something that has to be slogged you say, like a life sentence.
    Luckily you are clear eyed enough to know what it is, know its progression and know that it will pass.
    Not that that's much comfort while it's happening.
    Thinking of you.

  5. Been there, done that. Bloody awful at the time but you just have to go with it until you come out of the other end of the tunnel. Churchill called it his black dog. For me it's like being at the bottom of a deep, dark well and unable to see sunlight. Everyday is about clawing my way up the sides until the sun appears. Sometimes it's a short climb and sometimes it feels like forever. Chin up and my thoughts are with you.

  6. You described it perfectly. This time of year is particularly hard on me. :(


  7. I slip in and out fairly regularly. Only my daughter has kept me alive sometimes. Some people sometimes recognise it through my posts but I rarely mention it directly. One commenter says to me 'this too shall pass' and I know she is right. But it's hard swimming your way out of a fog as thick as mud. I know I can't say anything to help but I do hear you xxxx

  8. From your previous posts, it does sound as though there is a lot to be dealt with and to keep on dealing with. My thoughts, my very best wishes and love are with you and I thank you for your kindness and care in recent communications. Keep one foot going in front of the other - you know you will. I hope that the writing and the reading helps you somewhat. Do tell us if we can help. Axxx

  9. So sorry to hear that you are unwell with depression. I also suffer from it. I'm trying to figure a way to fight it off for good! I continually read about other peoples lives, about how the brain is wired, what makes us happy/sad and how to work on this. Sometimes things happen and we are knocked over! we struggle to climb back up. The insecurity of not having a regular income/ a loved one becoming ill/ worrying about family problems, can definitely trigger it. There are a few things I have learned which I hope will help somewhat. (1) Set the alarm clock and force yourself to get up early (I know you do this anyway because of the dogs) (2) Do 10 minutes of stretching and deep breathing while saying a mantra "I am wonderful! I have many talents" I love myself and I am loved! Today I will not allow any negative thoughts in, I will fight them and think positive thoughts instead." (You will say "No I can't do this", but please try, it will work but you must keep it up, you have to re-wire the transmitters in your brain back to positive and this is very difficult!) I know, I fight it hard.... Some days, I start off well and my day goes well and some days I can't get out of bed at all, the negativity is so intense.....when I have an argument with my husband, I feel so hurt, I want to run......away from be free.....where no one knows me. I have this dream of working on a ship and sailing to some far away place....for some peace. But I realise that every one on the planet is fighting some kind of battle. I see it on peoples faces every day. That what life is, I know happiness is just brief moments in time and we should grab them when we can. I strive just to be content. I hope sharing my feelings will help you to feel you are not alone and hopefully by next week Mr. A will feel better (he is a strong man!) and that you will feel better too. Get as many hugs and kisses from those 2 adorable grandchildren as you possibly can. I'm sending you a very big hug and hope I haven't gone on too long!! Take care of yourself and look forward to reading more of your wonderful blog soon. xxx

  10. So sorry you're in a dark place art the moment, Ayak. I have two sisters who suffer from bi-polar disorder, which is basically a depressive illness, so I know how very dark that place can be. Try to hold on the the knowledge that this will pass, though that can be very hard while the darkness last. Big hugs. P xxx

  11. I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering from depression.
    I know only too well what its like.
    Thing that everyone who suffers from it tends to forget.......... that it does go, sometimes as suddenly as it came.

    I think Mr A's pneumonia was a shock to you and also the fact that you are miles from him doesn't help. And you must miss the dogs too.

    Hoping you are soon back to your normal self.
    Lots of love and hugs!
    Maggie x

    Nuts in May


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