Feeling constantly anxious is part of my everyday life. It goes hand in hand with my depression and paranoia. Those who have followed my blog for some time will have occasionally seen posts like this one.
There are two reasons for putting my thoughts and feelings here. Firstly, those of you suffering from any kind of mental health problem will recognise them and maybe you won't feel so alone. Secondly, when I am feeling as low and anxious as I am at the moment, writing about it sometimes puts it into perspective and can help me to cope.
So I am here in England for 12 days and should be happy, right? Then why am I waking up each morning in tears? Why am I feeling like this?
There are things going on both within my family and in the outside world that make me incredibly anxious. This is not ordinary anxiety and concern ...it is way off the scale. I can't talk to anyone here about my feelings. In fact there are very few people I can talk to these days. People have their own problems. I don't like to bother them...so I write about it instead.
So then the paranoia raises its ugly head. Feeling hurt at the slightest innocent remark. Reacting badly to such remarks. Apologising but receiving no sign of being forgiven. Making conversation but feeling that you are being ignored. Always asking how others are and showing concern and interest, even though they don't ask how I'm feeling. Generally feeling like a bloody nuisance.
So that's the self-indulgent part of depression. It is a selfish illness made all the harder if you are not a selfish person by nature. That perhaps sounds like a contradiction. I do care a great deal, perhaps too much, about my family, friends, people and animals......and what's happening every day in this violent uncaring world. But I sometimes feel that when it comes to my needing a bit of understanding, there's no-one there. So it's all too easy to sink into a black hole and feel sorry for myself.
So there it is...off my chest...and I'm feeling better already (well just a bit)
Now I can talk about the best bit of my visit. Two hectic days in Bristol with Stella, Billy and Jimi. We arrived after midday on Monday and left at 2pm on Tuesday, but managed to cram an awful lot in. We visited @Bristol Science Museum on Monday afternoon. Dinner out in the evening. There are so many lovely restaurants in Bristol. After a hearty breakfast at the hotel on Tuesday we visited Bristol Aquarium and then M Shed which is a museum dedicated to the people and history of Bristol.
After a quick lunch we headed back on the train feeling quite exhausted but I think the boys enjoyed themselves.
Much has been going on at home while I've been here. Another bomb in Ankara and further attacks in the east of Turkey. Warships being sent to the Aegean to apparently deal with the traffickers taking refugees to Greece...quite how this works or what will happen to the refugees is not altogether clear. No doubt even more suffering for these people who have already been through far too much.
So it's a worrying time and no doubt I'm not the only one feeling anxious about the future.