Tuesday, 22 November 2016

Guilty Feelings and Paranoia

Being paranoid has always been part of my depression.   It's a horrible state of mind.  I may say something to someone, or write something, and then on reflection think I may have offended.  Worse still I can also feel that I am disliked or even hated.

When I'm not depressed, and more rational, I can put it all into perspective and realise that my feelings are unfounded...but it takes a while for it to fall into place.  I'm not sure those who don't suffer these feelings will understand what I'm saying, but those who do will get it, I'm sure.

These thoughts came to the surface again during the last few days.

Kaya had to sell our car.  Financially it was a drain on resources, particularly as he has been out of work for a while.  It also meant that he could attempt to start up a small business with the proceeds so at least he would have something positive to focus on.  This is all underway and we are hopeful that it will get off the ground in the not too distant future.   He gave me some money from the proceeds, which, along with a gift from a friend, enabled me to book two nights away in Izmir next week with a friend.  Something we have talked about for a while, but which I wasn't sure I could afford.  So now I was in a position to go ahead.

Then come the feelings of guilt, because at the same time I realised that I would soon have to ask for help again with funding for the animals we care for....our 12 rescues and the others in the village and at the sanayi.  So I naturally feel that I shouldn't be wasting money on a trip but should be using the money for the dogs and cats instead.

I actually wrote a post for my Facebook page to ask for help, but then didn't post it...because I felt guilty.

At the same time, something cropped up about people who operate scams connected with animal welfare.   They raise huge amounts of money which apparently lines their pockets rather than benefit animals in need.  This can have a bad effect on the genuine rescuers, because naturally people are wary and are reluctant to donate if they feel that they are being scammed.

So I then start to wonder if those who help me with my work, may think the same about me.  This is what paranoia does.  Hence, no post on Facebook.   I had a good response in October, and I was so grateful as it enabled me to stock up with food, medication, flea collars, and also to clear vet bills.  But so far have received just one gift during November, so funds are starting to run low.

I did discuss these feelings with a close friend today, and she told me that my planned trip and the work I do with animals are two separate things.  She also suggested that I write about it.  So here it is.  I'm not sure if it helps me, and part of me still feels I should cancel my trip because the animals come first, but maybe when I'm in a better frame of mind, I'll look at it differently.

This post wasn't easy to write.  It makes me feel vulnerable. However, I have an overwhelming need to be honest.  I will only post it on my group page because some of it may help others genuinely involved in animal welfare and rescue.  They may also think that they could be tarred with the same brush as scammers.  The genuine ones that I have come to know, will, like me, just keep going regardless.






10 comments:

  1. As I have got older, I find I worry far less about what people believe or think of me. I KNOW WHO I AM, I KNOW WHAT I DO, I KNOW THAT I AM HONEST AND CAN BE TRUSTED 100%. Your real friends and genuine animal lovers will not doubt you. Maybe you should write it out and pin it up somewhere for when you are feeling low? Also, believe it or not, people do expect you to have a personal life . Anyone involved in animal rescue, will know just how much it takes out of you, recharging your batteries is a must, in order to be able to continue. Your real friends and people who know you though your writing, can read the genuine 'you' in what you write and how you write it. Keep up the good work – and take it easy on yourself.

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    1. I agree totally with Val! You have to look after your own mental health just as you do your physical health. You have to get away from your place of work just like everyone else! Your work is emotionally draining because you constantly see animals in a neglected state. Please be assured that the likes of me and so many many more people have great admiration for you and even though we do not always have time for comments, we think of you and tell others about the work you do on a daily basis. I'm constantly referring to you as "the lady who lives in a village outside Milas and who cares for the abandoned animals". Enjoy your little break and put everyone and everything out of your mind! Relax and celebrate "You" and forget about Guilt! I'm sending all my best wishes to you for a lovely mini break! xxx

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  2. I hope you are feeling more positive after all the lovely comments on Facebook and can go on and have a lovely, relaxing trip and come back refreshed. I wish you and Kaya could go away together sometimes.

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    1. They were lovely comments and have made me feel so much better. Yes I'd love it if Kaya and I could go away together, but it's not easy...probably impossible...to find someone to look after 12 dogs!! Thanks Annie xx

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  3. Linda don't feel bad, I think you deserve your wee trip to Izmir. People donate to the dogs because they want to. You do an amazing job but your also entitled to a life. We all know the donated money goes exactly where it should xx

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  4. First up...Showing your emotions is a sign of strength.

    Second... DO NOT CANCEL YOUR TRIP TO IZMIR! savour every moment with your friend. You cannot pour out of an empty cup. You need to take time occasionally to do what makes your soul happy!

    Third up.... GUILTY, " culpable of or responsible for a specified wrongdoing" DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for one more second. You have done No Thing wrong.

    Fourth up.... you have a Character of Integrity. so stop worrying about what others think or what you think they may think.

    Thank you for this post. I am sure it will help you and others, go see your friend and enjoy your 2 day trip away.

    Finally =, with regards to donations/help in November.. What's happened to the PAYPAL Button?

    Kind Regards
    Jan

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    1. Thankyou Jan xx

      PayPal ceased operating in Turkey in June so I have had to find alternative ways of receiving help until such time as they start up again (possibly July next year so I've heard)

      In the meantime people can email me at the address at the top of the sidebar or message me on Facebook xxx

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If you would like to help my rescue dogs and the strays (dogs and cats) of our village and local industrial estate, please email me for details at lindaikaya@hotmail.com Thankyou x